The General's Car

I have a great passion towards driving! I loved watching Formula 1 cars since I was 7 years old & fancied driving one when I grew up! (I still do!) However, I actually got my hands at the steering wheel not before I was 13 [that was the time my feet would reach the ABC – Accelerator, Break and Clutch.] I was in 8th standard (grade) those days… Sadly, the Constitution of India allows only 18+ to drive. But then, rules are meant to be broken, right? So, I had to be extra careful to evade all routes where the probability of running into a traffic policeman was high – and they invariably manage to catch such people who either don’t have a license, or have lost it, or “had the license confiscated” last week fro so-and-so offence… Those days, no one at home came to know that I was learning to drive until I had carved myself into a fast and reckless driver. That was in 10th standard (grade). I used to bribe my chauffeurs over the years to get proper – and at the same time, discreet – training! It was easy to bribe them as all they wanted was “chai-paani” (which amounted to petty tips ranging from Rs. 5 to 10, once in 3-4 days while my pocket money was a “handsome” Rs. 300/- a month.) The chauffeurs were cautious of the “pandus” too! (Pandus = informal term for “traffic policeman” in Maharastra). Obviously! In case of any controversies, it would be their licences that would be confiscated!

Anyways… That’s an old story. And that’s definitely NOT why you are here. Today, I am writing to tell you guys about how this passion of mine nearly got a bad name for myself and just about made it to the headlines in newspapers. If you’re thinking that I’m going to describe an accident here, then you are way out of my league! There has been no accident, collision, scratch, crack or even narrow escapes in my 5 year “driving career”! But there was this memorable incident that took place last winter (January, 2007). Before starting, let me tell you that I drive like a mad man! While driving back home from school, my only aim – every single day – used to be to break my personal record time! To me, any speed below 50 mph (80 km/h) is “unacceptable” and anything below 30 mph (50 km/h) is “mediocre and outrageous”. The top speed that I ever drove at was 94.44 mph (152 km/h – as the digital speedometer of that white Toyota Corolla said). I have never touched the famed 100 mph mark. That’s about 161 k’s an hour! I have tried desperately several times, though! My eyes are dying to see that 161 and whenever I get my hands at a good vehicle on a good road, I try. Now that you know how I drive, here’s what happened:

All names changed to keep privacies intact

I vividly remember this trip to Udhampur (name changed). It is a major military base. The Colonel there, Mr. Prakash (name changed) has been out family friend (less of a friend, and more of a family member, instead!) for a long time. He was constantly inviting us to pay him a visit to his Army area since years! My father couldn’t decline and, considering the protocol, finally had to promise him a visit during my next vacations. Now, I don’t know how he managed to get the second holiday in less than a year – whether the General was in exceptionally great mood or whether he applied for one with a convincing enough pretext – remains a mystery! He somehow managed to get a week off. On 17th January, we set off! On the fine morning of 18th January, at 8 A.M. precisely – the Army jeep was waiting for us at the Railway station. The placard in the chauffeur’s hand said “Mr. A. K. A. and family”. Soon, we were at a decent three bedroom flat at Udhampur cantonment. I’d have called it a division instead, but the Colonel insisted that it was too small to be a division.
“Too small?!! It’s too big to be anything else!”
“Have you seen a division?”
“No! But there was a film………”
“Then shut up!,” said the Colonel smiling
“Yes sir!”

We went to AOI (Army Officer’s Institute) in the evening. The girls there were sweet but I kept distance, considering that it was my first day there. The following week went swiftly, yet uneventfully. The pleasant stay was about to end and we were to leave in 2 days’ time. The Colonel’s last day off was gone and he had reported to duty that day. But the biggest excitement – the main event – was yet to come!

We were going for a get-together that night. Just when we were about to leave, Murphy’s Law played the spoilsport! The telephone rang and after a series of 4 “Yes Sir!”-s, the Colonel hung up and announced the bad news in a dismal voice…
“The General had called. His car is in the workshop and I have to collect it and get it to his office tomorrow morning at 8”
‘Wait a moment!’ I thought ‘Didn’t he just say “Car”?’ By then, he had reached as far as “You guys carry on and I will catch up with you in……”
“No need, uncle!” I snapped – if Murphy’s Law was applicable, then so was Newton’s Third Law, too! “YOU guys carry on and I’ll get the car! I’m not very interested in the party...”
“Or rather, we must say that you are more interested in the General’s car!” Dad knew the frequency of my mind!
“Or any car for that matter!” I retorted in agreement, and trying to gain the upper hand in the (friendly) war of words…

So, the Colonel, his wife, and my parents were off to the get-together and I – with a soldier (who was more of a Personal Assistant to the Colonel) – was off to the Workshop! I had driven several cars in my “driving career” before, on different roads (and terrains) in different parts of the country, taking different risks with every revolution of the wheel! But never in my life had I driven an Army vehicle! That dream was about to be fulfilled!

We picked up the car and the soldier suggested we go home as it was past 7:30 P.M. and his duty for the day was going to be over at 8 P.M. Besides, it was getting dark, the base was 6 k’s away and there was a lonely area as the workshop and there was a lonely area as the workshop was in the outskirts of the township. But then, he was a petty soldier. And I – the Colonel’s special guest – was the BOSS! I asked him to sit quietly some time. So, instead of driving towards the base, I thought of a “test drive” on the highway. After all, the General’s steering wheel was in my hands! And the car was to be presented to the rightful owner only tomorrow morning. So, I drove away to glory! The soldier stay shut as instructed by the “boss” – ME! The music was great and so was my speed! Even after there were several bigger and better cars, Esteem was still a great car within its own! Soon, we reached out of the township limits. There is this relation that I always obey while driving – [“Traffic Density” X “Speed” = “Constant”]; and the traffic was diminishing – the 80 km/h barrier was crossed, and that the car would only speed up from here! The traffic density approached a near 0 as my speed was approaching infinity – near infinity! As we passed something that looked like a toll gate, the otherwise mum soldier announced:
“Check Post #1, sir!”

The soldier there was about to doze off when my car (on second thoughts, the General’s car) approached the Check Post. He suddenly got up to his feet, came to attention position and saluted. He was PROBABLY thinking that the General was in the car too, but he couldn’t confirm it as the car was fast plus its dark glasses! The car whizzed through the Check Post like a Brett Lee bouncer whizzes past a tail ender’s eyes! Who would dare to stop the General’s car to check whether he’s inside or not, anyways?

“There are 10 such Check Posts for the next 100 k’s! The one we just passed was exactly 10 k’s from the base and the next one is exactly 10 k’s away from here. The remaining Check Posts are placed at regular intervals of 10 k’s!” The soldier did the mistake that he should never have! He will soon regret giving me that piece of information. The road was blank. The race against time had begun… The goal was to achieve the average speed of 100 km/h. The mind calculator stated working. “At 100 km/h (That’s 100 k’s in 60 minutes), it must take 6 minutes for travelling 10 k’s” the computer responded. I glanced at the watch – 7:40:37! Then there was no stopping me! The next Check Post came at around 7:47:46 – seven minutes and nine seconds – (I felt like kicking myself as I was bringing disgrace to my own self and my otherwise “glorious” driving career). The third was there at 7:54:11 – six minutes and twenty-seven seconds – (I was improving! The soldier, however, wasn’t very happy with my “improvement”. He was scared, instead!) I was determined to make it in time for the next one. As we drove past Check Post #4, a soldier was waving out to us! I opened the window and waved back. The watch said 7:59:03 – five minutes and fifty-two seconds! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Pleased with myself, I decided to cruise “slowly” (that’s 70 km/h) till the next Check Post and return home to celebrate! Then, I started watching the surroundings and admiring the beauty of the nature – the trees in the darkness, the long well lit metalled road – ‘the civil engineer must have taken a handsome sum for that’, I thought. The helicopter flying just above us – ‘Hmmm… Looks good – a general’s car on a road and a military chopper just above it – picture perfect!’ Little did I know that I was the one because of whom that “picture perfect view” was created!

Then came the disaster at Check Post #5 – the gate was closed and there was a military jeep at the other side of the gate. [As if I wanted to go any further!] I stopped the car and hopped out – only to be greeted with a stare from the jeep’s driver. He was a Major.

“Young man! Where do you think you’re taking the General’s car at this time?”
“Well sir! Colonel Prakash (name changed) was supposed to pick the car up, take a test drive and get it at General Sir’s Office tomorrow morning! He was busy. So, he sent me to pick her up.”
“Test drives aren’t 50 km long, son! Long drives are! Anyways… The General wishes to see her now. Take the wheel and follow me!”
I thought he was saying “her” to taunt. But I didn’t ask…

That was the time I realized that I actually drove the car 50 km away from the base, and myself 50 km closer to trouble! So, the “toll gate” opened and the jeep drove towards the base. I followed. The speed was down to 50 km/h and I was escorted by a jeep. I was shivering a bit with fear; unlike the shivering I had a few minutes ago out of excitement. We pulled up in front of the General’s bunglaw and the major asked me to wait outside. I waited in the lawn for about 10 minutes – my longest 10 minutes in my recent memory! Then, I was summoned inside. I had butterflies in my stomach!

The general was very polite and asked me if I was aware that Colonel Prakash (name changed) could find himself in deep trouble because of my actions. I tried to look as innocent as I could. Then he looked at his watch and I looked at mine – 9:20 P.M. The General spoke again “Go home son! Come to my office tomorrow at 10 with the Colonel. And get that idiot with you, too!” He was pointing the soldier who had been accompanying me all this while. Then he tossed the keys of his car to me!

I nervously drove back home and narrated the entire incident to the Colonel when he returned. He couldn’t help laughing! When I told him that the General wished to see us the next day, he said “So what’s the problem in that? We’ll go and meet the Godzilla tomorrow morning!” He sounded confident and chirpy, whereas, I was scared and worried. After the spine chilling evening, I (obviously) couldn’t sleep that night for a long time.

Next morning, the three of us were going to be reprimanded. We were at the General’s office at 10. First, the soldier was held responsible for everything and got a nice 20 minute long lecture. I was made acquainted with several creative offensive words in the Hindi dictionary – those whom I had never known or heard of the existence of! Hindi is a great language!
“On the field with your gun and take 20 rounds, NOW!,” yelled the General as the poor soldier went to start the rounds! Then was the Colonel’s turn… He was quiet and smiled all the time as the General (politely) told him how irresponsible and inhospitable he was to hand down his job to a personal guest of his! They were humorous when they were talking and it looked more like a friendly chat than a reprimand. He explained to the General how keen I was to take his car and that I even went to the extent of missing the get-together just to take the car! The General looked at me…

“You’re a brave boy, kid! But see to it that you never do any such thing until you know what consequences can arise as a result! And be especially careful in Defence areas as they are sensitive areas… And never take an Army car out of the premises until you have informed the Guards at the Gate about it. We had assumed that my car was stolen! Anyways… Go away both of you! Have fun!”
The Colonel asked “The soldier is doing 10 rounds. What about us, sir?”
I cursed him for asking “us” and mot “me” (him)…
“What punishment can I give YOU? Just get lost!” said the General as the two burst out laughing! I smiled a bit.

In the evening, the Colonel told me what exactly happened back in the Cantonment… “The guard at Check Post #1 was surprised on seeing the General’s car. Angry that the people at the base didn’t inform him about the General’s approach before – and partially curious to know where the General was going at that time of the evening – he called the gate keepers up and told them: ‘Bloody fools! Why didn’t you idiots inform me of the General’s arrival before? And where is he going at this time?’ The poor guards were startled as the gates were closed and there was not a single car outside the premises. So, they called up the control room to check out if there were any discrepancies. The control room guys called up the General’s residence who confirmed that he was home! Then, there was chaos everywhere as the General’s car was rumoured to be stolen! There were several phone calls and within 5 minutes, a military jeep was dispatched from the shortcut between the hills to intercept you and a chopper was released to follow you up from the sky. They ordered the soldier to block the Check Post #4 but he was an idiot and tried to stop you by waving his hands. Then strict orders were issued to close Check Post #5 down! The guard closed it and the jeep reached it before you could.”

By evening, I was famous among a few of the top officials and their sons and daughters – I was more pleased for the daughters’ part! That evening at the AOI parking lot, I noticed the General’s car – above the number plate, there was a panel! There were three silver stars on navy blue background. The entire board lit up (like a showroom’s signboard) when the headlights were turned on. Just above the car’s number, there was a red strip on the number plate saying “Ministry of Defence – Government of India”. I had the lights on the previous evening too! NOW I knew how the guards at the Check Posts came to know that it was the General’s car passing by!

Few of the people waked up to me asking about it. And others were talking about me from a distance. I was the centre of attention that night! Sadly, I had to leave the Cantonment next evening. That was the best adventure of my life!

Learning from my Friend's Mistakes

Hello friends! Today, I want to tell you about this friend (name withheld on request) of mine… Otherwise a decent gentleman, he generally falls for girls. But then, that’s human tendency, right? He, however, is very very shy (reluctant) to approach, talk or “socialize with” a girl – which is a good thing, by the way! Whenever we are together, he often points out how cute he thinks the girl sitting there on that table is! I often find him regretting tat he gradually drifted away from a few of his female acquaintances as he now has no contacts with them what-so-ever! And hence, whenever he sees them at a social gathering (now much “smarter” and “highly charismatic” than they were 4 or 5 years ago, when he had been friends with them), he is reluctant to approach and talk to them – not that he is desperate, but just that he wants to [Every guy wants to talk to a cute (or any) girl. If you say you don’t, then I can bet that either you’re not a guy, or you’re not a normal guy!]

So, this friend (name withheld on request) of mine went to a play one day. No! Make it evening… I wasn’t there with him, but then, since we have been so good friends for such a long time, I didn’t need to be there either to know what had happened… He tells me “almost all” of his “secrets” – which include his (very few) adventures and (many) misadventures… Yes! So, I was saying that he went to a play on evening. It was a good quality play and the participants were his age-old acquaintances – mainly feminine…

So, our hero was enjoying himself a lot and got a golden opportunity to… well… “relive” his “glorious” days of his friendship with the participants of the play. He had invited me too. But I was compelled to refuse owing to my lawn tennis schedule’s clash with the timings. I regret my refusal, though – not that I missed making new girl friends, but that I wasn’t there with him during what happened to him the in next few paragraphs!

The auditorium was almost a-mile-and-a-half away from his (beautiful, spacious and enviable) bunglaw. Hmmm… Neither too close nor too far! Neither “walkable” nor “far away”! So, after all the “socializing” and re-establishing his contacts with his old contacts, he wanted to go home – obviously! It was almost 9 P.M. and the driver was gone, plus dad was a bit busy doing some paperwork. After he just had socialized so earnestly with them, it was tempting to ask for a lift – and even easier to get one! But then, his ego came in the way! So, our hero, after a super evening was unknowingly and involuntarily moving towards a fix! Little did he know that the evening was not yet over!

So, he did not have a mode of transport, could not ask for a lift and, to save his prestige, was in no mood to catch a public transport or any other mode of transport which would “hamper” his “image”… So, he decided to get away from the auditorium to a relatively lonely place where no one would see him committing the crime of catching an auto rickshaw… hopeful, he broke off from the group a bit and – when no one had their attention towards him – slinked away out of the auditorium and headed straight towards the direction of his home…

When our hero was convinced that he was “distant enough” from the auditorium and none of his friends (especially the girls) were around – and he was on a lonely street – he started a massive “search and hire” campaign! Finally, an auto rickshaw was generous enough to pass through that street and stopped at his call! Just when he was about to tell the auto-man where to go, his phone rang – it was a girl from the play who he had known for the past 8 years or so… Now how could he board the auto rickshaw while he was talking to her? She would know that by the background khattar-khattar noise of the auto! So, he took the call, hoping that she would hang up fast, but the call was long as she was expressing her anger on him for not informing her before leaving… A statement was, “Phone mein ghus ke tere ko 2 jhapad maarne ka man kar raha hai!” He found it “cute”… But then, every action of a girl is cute, right? Anyways… So, the girl was angry on him for not saying “Bye!” before leaving! [You know how girls are… Their most fierce fights with their friends, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, etc. are basically because they “did not say ‘Hye!’ to me while passing me by” or just “didn’t smile at me”]

So, it was past 9 o'clock and parents were waiting for dinner at home. And the girl was behaving like an angry girlfriend! And our poor hero (duck) was walking that lonely street apologising… She forgave him and informed him that they were going to Chrome for dinner (a local pub)… The poor guy did not know what to do! He was stuck half-way between the auditorium and home – both physically and psychologically! He could either go back to the auditorium and then to the pub (with quite a few of his FEMALE acquaintances) or he could go home – where parents were waiting for him… He was in a great poignant dilemma!

But then, as I mentioned in the beginning, he is basically a nice guy and otherwise a gentleman. So, he mad the right (though tough) choice – HOME! He politely declined the offer and started walking home… There was a slight possibility – a very slight possibility; a very VERY slight possibility – that he might get an auto in that lonely way! After he had crossed the halfway mark, and all hopes of an auto fading, he realized that was VERY late! So, the poor guy decided to sprint back the rest of the way… He started to make a dash – home was about a k.m. away! Just then, an auto showed up out of nowhere… The auto driver, however, was greedy and demanded 20 bucks – the fair fare would have been 10, but then it was night time and the auto driver had the demand and supply balance in his favour – so, he said – “20 bucks! Board the auto or run back home!” So, my friend, who is a bit of a miser and had his own ego – asked the auto driver to get lost and continued with his Dandi march… Each time a car passed by, he’d stop running and try to portray that he was walking – it would look stupid for a guy to run on a roadside at around 9:30 P.M.! So, he half walked and half sprinted his way back home – his shirt drenched in sweat – out of breath! To make matters worse, parents were a bit upset and he had missed the evening at the pub, too!




Moral of the blog: Reputation isn’t everything! But it sure is SOMEthing!